Brain Spew, thoughts on life and school

I have once again found myself in the position where I am a NEET and a shut in. This is not an unusual situation for me to be in as you may be aware. But that doesn't make me entirely comfortable with it. So then you find yourself in the position of saying, "Well Scott, why don't you go to school, or get a job, or volunteer your time, or go for a walk, or punch a shark?" To which I'd have to say, "Agoraphobia and atychiphobia are considered debilitating social disorders for a reason."

But how does one get to this point?  I guess to discover that we shall have to take a look at how I've grow up and how I have, and do, perceive the world around me. Of course this will not be an easy thing as over exaggeration or strait up lies (usually to ones self) crop up rather frequently when you attempt to examine the past. Not to mention the use of language, especially in it's written form, bereft of intonation and expression, can be a very finicky thing. But I guess I shall try because I am bored and in a rather thoughtful and reflective mood.

I suppose we can start with the fact that by nature I am a very lazy person. Well, who isn't, but I'd say I'm lazier then most. I mean, I had no interest in learning how to crawl until it suited my needs. I was perfectly content to sit there and watch the world go by. Or so I'm told. I mean I don't remember this, who would? But it suits my purpose as an example of just how lazy a person I am even at an early age.

Next, I am incredibly stubborn. To the point of being detrimental to my own well being. I'm sure you are well aware that once I have made a decision I shall follow through with it despite what you or anyone else thinks of it. Sometimes even if part way through I realize that I have made a mistake. But do not mistake stubbornness for drive, for I will only be stubborn in so much as it helps me be lazy.

But these are very common things, one could even say natural to the state of being human. Who among us is not lazy and stubborn? So of course these factors alone can not lead to my current state of existence. Obviously there are things that have happened in my formative years that would also have an effect on my current situation.

So I guess that leads us on an adventure into Scott's past, or at least Scott's perception and recollection of the past. My experiences in school, as with any other person, have had a huge impact on my life.

You could say I had an odd introduction to school. I have vague memories of going to pre-school in Texas. But to me, school really started in Germany, where I went to Kindergarten. And since our parents wanted us to have the real German experience I of course went to a German Kindergarten. This served to create the beginnings of a problem.

Do to the language barrier interacting with with my schoolmates was almost impossible. I of course had some rudimentary understanding of German as I was exposed to it frequently, but I never really grasped it fully. And honestly didn't feel the need to as I knew that eventually we would be moving again, presumably to a place where people spoke English. And of course the teachers knew that I didn't fully understand so when it came time to actually teach stuff, I wasn't always expected or required to follow along.

This all of course served to solidify a thought process I presumably already had. From what I have heard I have always been kind of a 'do my own thing' type of person.  I am pretty sure mom has told me a story about me going to a birthday party or some such and we had been playing a game or playing with some toys and then when it was time to move on from that I decided I didn't want to. So somewhere in me I've always had the perception of, "me vs. everyone else".

But again, this is not uncommon. Do we not all perceive the world in some variation of "The way I see it" vs. "The way other people see it"? So again there's got to be more going on.

I guess this brings us to when Dad died. I remember very much being confused by this whole situation. As someone who was born and raised into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I was well aware of the plan of salvation and even at a young age I knew that death was an inevitable part of life. So although my father had died and I wasn't going to see him anymore, he wasn't gone. It was as if he'd moved away and I wouldn't see him for a long time. This was a feeling I had experienced more then once before because I had moved away and said goodbye to people, probably to never see them again.

But people where trying to tell me that I was supposed to be supposed to be sad, distraught, or even angry. And thus the counselling began. I remember all 4 kids being brought into group counselling sessions where we could air out and discuss our feelings. Where it was ok to cry or get mad. But frankly I was just confused. Dad was not there, but he wasn't gone, what's the issue here?

So again here comes this idea of, 'me vs. everyone else'. And people seem to be saying there is something wrong with 'me'.

Move not too much past that and we get into my least favorite thing about my childhood. The thing that keeps me awake at night trying to forget it. I got put in "Resource", "Special Edd", "The short buss", "School for the learning impaired". Suffice it to say I was now 'labeled'. "You are not as smart as those around you."

I was now part of this group of kids that I certainly didn't feel like I belonged with. Many of them had obvious and debilitating mental illnesses or were out right delinquents. Whether I liked it or not, I was now one of them, broken, or a problem. Something that needed special attention because it wasn't quite right.

'Me vs. everyone else'. And 'me' is increasingly being shown as not correct, or not good.

This lead to new incongruities that I could not properly comprehend. I was labeled as "unintelligent" or "slow", but I was constantly being told by my tutors that I was very intelligent, to the point of some event commenting, "Why are you here? You totally get this." And I sure wasn't a delinquent. I was often held up as the example of a 'good boy'. The teacher would ask, "Why isn't everyone else being good like Scott? Quietly sitting in his seat and paying attention." So there was obviously something else wrong. Time to be medicated!

Much of 6th and 7th grade are a very strange kind of thing for me to remember. I was taking medication that was supposed to 'fix' me. But I wasn't 'me' anymore. I didn't like the 'me' that I was when I was on medication. It was rather boring and dull. But I didn't like the 'me' that wasn't on medication because it was broken. But I did come up with an Idea. Maybe if I did well enough in school I could prove that I wasn't broken and then I wouldn't have to be medicated or put in special edd.

Of course laziness still prevailed and I didn't quite apply myself as well as I should have. But I at least felt that I had shown enough progress that when I got into 8th grade I'd be free of these things.

Well, no. It seems that my effort only proved that I really was broken and that these things that I hated where helping. So in 8th grade I gave up. I stopped caring. I was broken and that was that so why bother trying.

It didn't help that some time around 6th grade I had started to discover that school was not about learning. School was a very cruel and calculated game where the point was to jump through the hoops the teachers set forth rather then to actually learn anything. A point of view that was only solidified by the fact that people continued to tell me I was intelligent and yet my grades often didn't show it. Even on assignments that I put a lot of effort into I seemed to fall short of what the teacher actually wanted.

This lead to a whole new anxiety. Homework was not about showing that you understood a concept. It was about fulfilling the teachers unknown expectations of the concept. Every assignment and test became terrifying game of, not knowing the right answer, but knowing the answer the teacher wanted. (It doesn't help that even now when talking to mother about some of the assignments she gives her students and and giving her whatever my answer would be, she responds with, "That's not what I'm looking for.")

So this all leads back to the question that you'd like to ask me, "Why don't you go to school or get a job." Well, school is a terrifying place where I am expected to fulfill whatever unknown expectations the teacher may have for me, rather then a place where I learn things. And as for a job, who wants to higher someone who is broken?  Someone who does not meet the 'standard'.

But all of this puts me in another very awkward position. I want to learn things. I hunger for knowledge. But one cannot teach themselves. There needs to be some form of guidance. I can read books. But many of the books on subjects that I'm interested are either incredibly boring or way over my head. And who's supposed to explain these things to me without a teacher.

Well you can find collage lectures and wonderful documentaries about things on YouTube and Netflix. But being a one sided experience there is no room for questions or clarification.

I don't really know where I'm going with any of this or what the point is. To be honest as I sit here and stare at this wall of incredibly personally text and my blinking cursor I wonder if it's wise to publish this. I wonder if saying any of these things will somehow offed someone even though that is not at all my intention. I wonder if I've expressed myself properly or if I've given the wrong impression about things.

But I have gone through all the effort of actually writing this out and I write things so rarely it would almost be a waste to not do anything with it. So anyway, here is a random brain spew...